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Hi All:
Duaine M here;
Before you start reading I want to insert my thoughts on this members article.
It's
important to know that in SOS there is a diversity of thought and just about
everything is debated. So what you read may be agreed on my a large
majority of members or a small minority of members.
The
final authority is........... "You"........... the member.
What I
want to draw your attention to is the use of language and the appearance that
there is agreement in SOS that addiction is some how a physiological illness, a
disease and that the person who has become addicted is not held responsible for
his or her actions.
I think
putting such a easy simple explanation on this very complex issue is a
disservice to those who have put a great deal of though and research into the
nature of addictions.
We have
Support groups where you can talk to others and maybe get a full
picture of SOS in action.
Duaine Metevia
Duane Metevia
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Family members
and friends of alcoholics and
addicts are very welcome at SOS
meetings.
They may attend whether or not
the person they are close is
continuing their addiction or is
in recovery. Although, family
and friends may not be addicted
themselves, their lives are
greatly affected by the
addictive behavior of a loved
one and they too need support,
advice and the opportunity to
share and learn. SOS offers support from people
who have been on both sides -
the experience of recovering
addicts and other who have had
to deal with the problems related to active addiction and
the recovery process.
 FAMILY
RECOVERY
Many family and
friends of alcoholics and
addicts come to recovery groups desperately searching out for
help and answers to their
problems. SOS provides support
and help on understanding and
coping with the problems by
providing information about chemical dependency and its
consequences for relationships.
Family and
friends of alcoholics and
addicts often suffer as much or
more physically and psychologically as the addicts
themselves. They can get caught
up in the behavioural crises of addicts in ways which then
affect their own behaviour and
physical and mental health. Moreover, their well-meaning
actions may not work and they
find that their actions are only
further alienating the person
and causing problems in their
relationships. Living with an
alcoholic and/or addict
is incredibly stressful. The
advice and support of other who
have or continue to face this
situation, as well as speaking
to recovering alcoholics and
addicts directly themselves, is
critical to helping you help
yourself and your loved one.
By coming to
SOS, family and friends can
learn about the illness and arm
themselves against its negative effects.
Understanding the illness
rationally is the first step
toward defending oneself from its
destructive influence on you and
your close ones, and also
allowing YOU to free YOURSELF
from its clutches, as well as
helping you to aid your loved
one in a more constructive way.
The first thing
is to understand the Cycle
of Addiction which your
loved one is in and into which you have become
entrapped. By understanding that
addiction is a physiological
illness, based on chemical
dependency, which then dominates
and warps the psychology of the
addict, one is better able to
see that the addiction is solely
an individual journey for that
person. The addict must break
their own denial and come to
accept and acknowledge
their addiction THEMSELVES, if
they are to recover. It is not
your fault or responsibility.
You are no more responsible for
or able of curing cancer, if it
befell a close one. Like any
other life threatening disease,
the best you can do is find ways
you wish to
choose to be
supportive and constructive
toward the sufferer, which help
them to recover and which,
simultaneously do not
damage your own physical or
mental health or that of other
family members. Full recover can
be achieved and a good life
rebuilt. However, in addiction
relapse and death are an ever
present threat, especially in
the first few years. You cannot
play a decisive influence in the
outcome. This relies with the
addict taking responsibility for
his/her own recovery. Support is
important, but not at
the expense of your own life and
that of the rest of your family.
Coming to SOS will help you how
to learn to understand, cope and
overcome addiction, to the
benefit of the addict and, more
especially, for the benefit of
yourself.
Once your
loved is sober and in recover,
you also need to understand the
Cycle of Sobriety
and the addict’s Sobriety
Priority. This will help you to
make sense of the decisions
which he or she takes in
everyday life. Moreover, as
recovery progresses, you will
find a « new » person emerging
from the shell of addiction.
This may be a wonderful and
longed for thing. However, it
can cause relational problems
also, as the person goes through
changes, confusion, as well as
mood swings, which are part of
recovery. Possibly, you may
find to your surprise that this
« new » person is not what you
want or expected. In a
perverse, unconscious way, you
may even feel more secure with
the « old » alcoholic/addict you
once knew. Unconsciously, you
can contribute to undermining
the person’s recovery, if you
are not careful, or you may
come to decide to separate from
him or her. You will find that
YOU also will begin to change as
you become free of a direct
relationship with an active
alcoholic/addict. You can begin
to change and grow and find a «
new » person within yourself,
with a clearer idea of your own
needs and direction. SOS will
help you to understand better
many of these processes taking
place in your loved
one, yourself and your
relationship. This will arm you
to deal and cope with the
wonderful, but often complex
road of recovery for YOU and
your loved one.
Family & Friends Recovery Cycle
is the fundamental basis from
which to approach all other
questions for you as a
co-dependent.
It allows you to free YOURSELF
from the feelings of
responsibility, anger and other
feelings connected to being the
close one of an alcoholic/addict
and to go on to prioritise
YOUR OWN WELL BEING on a daily
basis.
1. Knowledge of Addiction &
Sobriety Cycles
2. Daily
Acknowledgement & Acceptance
3.
Daily Prioritisation of Own
Well-Being
SUGGESTED
GUIDELINES FOR FAMILY & FRIENDS
Don’t give up
hope ! Many alcoholics and
addicts have been helped to
choose recovery by the
informed intervention of those
who loved them. Many tens of
thousands have done it alone !
Learn all you can about
alcoholism and addiction and,
also its affects on
relationships, family and
otherwise.
Discover that you are not
alone with the problem. Attend
as many SOS meetings as you can,
and other recovery groups, where
possible or necessary. Talk
informally with recovering
alcoholics and addicts and other
family and friends. Get their
phone n°s and email addresses.
Be gentle on yourself and
the alcoholic/addict in your
life. Remember you too are
recovering from the psychological effects
of living with the addiction. Be
good to yourself ! Make sure to
get rest, eat properly and have
treats. Also bear in mind that
sobriety skills are
not developed overnight either
for you or your loved one, so
give yourself credit for being
understanding.
SOS stresses
that sobriety must be the
priority for the chemically
dependent person.
The Sobriety Priority is the
alcoholic/addict’s bottom line.
You too must learn to make your
own well-being (and not the
addict’s) YOUR PRIORITY. You can
call it what you like - your
« Health Priority »,
« Sanity Priority »,
«Happiness Priority ».
Start making this your bottom
line for decision-making .
Believe that the choices you
make by prioritising your own
well-being are the best thing you can do for the chemically
dependent person.
General
Principles of SOS Family &
Friends
All those who wish to gain
understanding of their feelings
about their relationship with an
addicted person are welcome.
Family and friends may be
invited by SOS groups to attend
meetings with recovering
alcoholics and addicts, as well
as having the right to form
separate SOS Family and Friends
meetings, if they wish.
Honest, clear and direct
communication of feelings,
thoughts and knowledge aids in
recovery. Support in choosing
non-destructive, non-delusional
and rational approaches to
living sober, rewarding lives
helps in developing healthier
relationships.
In SOS, family and friends
gain insight into the workings
of other recovering persons, as
members share experiences,
information, strengths and
encouragement in friendly,
honest and supportive group
meetings.
SOS guards the anonymity of
all those who attend meetings
and the contents of the
discussions from those not
within the group.
SOS is not the spin-off of
any political or religious
group. SOS is concerned with
aiding family and friends
in developing understanding and
compassion for the recovering
individual.
- SOS encourages the
scientific study of all
aspects of alcoholism and
addiction.
SOS does not limit its
outlook to one area of
knowledge or theory of
alcoholism and addiction.
-
- SOS is secular. We
welcome all regardless of
religious or non-religious
beliefs.
Spiritual and religious
matters are not discussed in
group and are respected
as the private domain of
each individual..
-
 Why
not use the article
to start a discussion in
your group?
-
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Recommended Reading
Living with a Drinker : How you
can change things
by Mary Wilson (Harper Collins
1989)
A very down-to-earth, practical
manual covering all the issues
for partners of alcoholics.
May be useful for those addicted
to drugs too.
-
The following have much
spiritual/moral content, but
also contain much useful
information :
-
Drinking Problems = Family
Problems
by M.L.Mayer (Momenta)
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Children of Alcoholics : How
a Parent’s Drinking can
Affect Your Life
by David Stafford (Piatkus,
1992)
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Women Who Love Too Much
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by Robin Norwood (Arrow,
1996)
Building Recovery
by Duaine Metevia
http://www.itsachoicepublishing.com
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